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Youth, Temperament, and Stress
By: Dr Phyllis J. Arno
I am continuing this series on Youth, Temperament and Stress. In this issue we will review some of the “Stress Triggers” in the Inclusion area of the Choleric youth. We will specifically cover “stress” in the home and in school.
For the Introduction to this series, please refer to the July/August, 2021 issue of the newsletter.
In review, the Inclusion area is the need to establish and maintain a satisfactory relationship with people in the area of surface relationships, associations and socialization, and intellectual energies.
Word Review of the Choleric Youth in Inclusion
charming personable chameleon
confident well-organized task-oriented
upbeat fast-paced strong-minded
people motivators need recognition abusive temper
STRESS TRIGGERS – HOME
1. PARENTAL REJECTION/CRITICISM
This youth needs approval, acceptance and recognition. Parental rejection will cause them to go to the extreme in order to obtain approval, acceptance and recognition.
The parents need to put forth an effort to keep the communication lines open with this Choleric in Inclusion youth. They need to give this youth time to share their thoughts, achievements and goals. In other words, the parents need to be a “sounding board” for this youth to bounce their thoughts.
Teach the parents the difference between destructive and constructive criticism. (Destructive criticism tends to make the youth feel condemned, and they will grow up condemning.)
Teach the parents to be less negative. Negative is saying:
“No, you can’t go on the computer until your homework is done.”
Try being positive when you need to be negative!
“Yes, you can go on the computer as soon as you have finished your homework or your chores.”
When a parent is in a situation where they are asked to make a quick decision and they do not want to make this decision alone, they can say:
“That’s a good idea. I think your dad (mom) would like to be involved to. Let’s discuss it when they get home.”
2. DEATH OF FAMILY MEMBER—Loss of parent(s) or siblings or grandparents.
The death of a family member can be devastating to a Choleric in Inclusion youth. Death is the ultimate control. Death is something out of their control, and they can become stressed because they did not want to lose their loved one. They did not give their loved one permission to die.
The Choleric in Inclusion youth can become angry at others and/or God for the loss of their loved one and spend a great deal of time grieving. They need to be taught to give this anger (grief) over to God, forgive and allow Him to heal them.
3. DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY—Parents on drugs/alcohol/single parent/ blended family.
If the parents are on drugs or they are alcoholics, encourage them to seek help in getting off drugs and/or alcohol so that this Choleric in Inclusion youth will not follow in their footsteps and become a drug addict or alcoholic. A Choleric in Inclusion youth can be a great imitator, especially imitating their parents. If the parents use drugs and/or alcohol as a stress reliever, the Choleric in Inclusion may tend to do the same, especially if the drugs and/or alcohol are readily accessible to the Choleric in Inclusion youth. Remember:
Children have never been
Good at listening to their
Elders, but they have never
Failed to imitate them!
James Baldwin
If a single-family parent must be mom and dad, how can this parent give the youth the time that they need? They can give this youth quality time. Quality time means the parent gives them their undivided attention—setting aside a time just for this youth. They could do something special with the youth such as bowling, watching a movie, going to a ball game, etc. Also, they could try to find a person they can trust to become a mentor for this youth.
If a family is blended, enlighten the parents as to how the “pecking order” (birth order) can cause problems such as anger, jealousy, and resentment, since there may be two firstborns, two lastborns, etc. The parents need to be watching for signs such as intense sibling rivalry, moodiness, rebellion, irritability, low grades, etc.
4. SEXUAL ABUSE BY BABYSITTERS, SIBLINGS, RELATIVES, ETC.
Teach the parents to encourage this Choleric in Inclusion youth to come to them with all problems they might have. They need to let their Choleric in Inclusion youth know that they can talk with them. The parents should also look for signs such as moodiness, depression, lack of body hygiene, low grades, lack of interest, etc. Also, the parents should know to whom they are entrusting their children.
Knowing their youth’s temperament is the key to knowing what questions to ask. The parents need to assure the youth that they can tell them anything and that they will not get upset and explode, but that they will help the youth deal with the situation. Parents should not condemn their children but rather listen and deal with the situation in a godly manner.
5. AVAILABILITY OF MOVIES, TELEVISION AND THE INTERNET.
Teach the parents to always know what this Choleric in Inclusion youth is watching. This youth needs boundaries. They are unsure without them, and they will keep pushing until they find them—especially Choleric in Inclusion youths.
Parents Need to Become Cyber Savvy!
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
Learn about parental controls and filtering software.
You can use search engines such as safesearchkids.com
Teach your kids to never give out their telephone number or address online.
MIDDLE SCHOOL
Keep the Internet account in your name to control passwords and filtering.
Check your children’s Internet browsing history. Allow them to email and instant-message only people they know. Randomly check their emails and “buddy lists.”
If your children participate in chats, help them pick screen names that don’t reveal personal information.
Take cyber-bullying seriously. If someone posts threatening or dangerous comments about your child, report it to the police and your service provider.
House rule: No downloading without your permission. You can set permissions on smartphones to have time limits on certain apps as well as prevent any downloads from happening without a password.
Apple iPhone Parental Controls
Samsung Galaxy Parental Controls
HIGH SCHOOL
Teach teens to use caution when posting about their friends and their plans.
Make sure your teens’ online photos don’t reveal identifying information, such as their school’s name.
Require your child to ask you before meeting an online “friend” in person. If you agree, schedule the meeting in a public place and accompany your teen.
If you have more questions about the intricacies of social media platforms, smartphones, and cybersecurity/cyberbullying please click the button below for parental guides.
NETWORK KNOW-HOW
Social networking sites such as Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok, and Facebook set minimum ages for participation. Generally, if your children are 13 or younger, you can have their pages removed. Read a site’s Terms of Use carefully for full details.
Ask to see your teens’ pages on social networking sites. Go through their feed, following, and saved posts.
Have your teens use the privacy settings on social networking sites, but be aware that some information, such as their picture, nickname, age and location may still be available for all users to see.
Go through your teens’ “friends” list to make sure they know and trust those people in real life. Consider making your own profile and “friending” your teens to stay informed about what they are posting.
Create a permission on their phone to set a limit and time frame they are allowed to be on social media platforms.
6. TOO MUCH TIME ALONE.
Teach the parents that this Choleric in Inclusion youth’s “time” needs to be monitored. Too much alone time can stress them and make them irritable. Also, if they are bored, they may find things to do such as playing the X-box continually,finding explicit content on social media, going to x-rated movies, drinking alcohol, doing drugs, etc. Parents need to give the youth specific things to do. Remember, they are task-oriented and feel the need to be doing something all the time. Inactivity is stressful to them. The Choleric in Inclusion youth needs a challenge or a project.
The parents need to know that this Choleric in Inclusion youth can get “lost” on the internet spending hours texting, scrolling through social media, etc. Their curiosity could lead them to sites that the parents would not want them to be on.
7. TOO FEW BOUNDARIES/TOO RIGID BOUNDARIES.
Teach the parents that this Choleric in Inclusion youth is a leader in the Inclusion area; however, this youth still needs to have boundaries in which to make decisions regarding socializing—parents need to give them boundaries and let the youth operate within these parental boundaries.
STRESS TRIGGERS – SCHOOL
1. SUBMITTING TO AUTHORITY ALL DAY.
Encourage the parents to allow their Choleric in Inclusion youth to have some “down” time where they are not under total authority. Being under authority all day can cause them to be stressed. The Choleric in Inclusion youth will then look for ways to relieve this stress. Again, give boundaries and let them operate within these boundaries.
2. NEED FOR PERFECTION.
Teach the parents that they need to teach their Choleric in Inclusion youth that they must allow themselves and others to have the right to be imperfect including their teachers and classmates. Christ is the only perfect one. The older a Choleric in Inclusion becomes, the more perfectionistic they will become; therefore, they must learn at an early age that it is “okay to be imperfect.” They need to learn that God will do the perfecting and that He will not put ungodly expectations on them or anyone else.
3. AVAILABILITY OF DRUGS/ALCOHOL/SEX.
The parents need to teach the Choleric in Inclusion youth the consequences of using drugs, drinking alcohol or having sex. They need to be prepared and have facts to back them up. Giving them facts is a good thing for the Choleric in Inclusion youth, as they will tend to justify their actions if they do not have hard facts with which to make their choices. Choleric in Inclusion youths will want to keep up with the crowd since they need attention, approval and recognition. Encourage them to participate in anti-drug programs, get involved with the youth programs at the church, etc. This will give the youth activities that are uplifting and that will help them avoid the pitfalls of falling into drugs, alcohol, etc.
There is a lot of pressure in school from those selling drugs to get the youths hooked into just trying it. This youth does not have a fear of the unknown, so they might be quite willing to try drugs, alcohol and/or sex. The parents need to educate their Choleric in Inclusion youth of the downside of taking drugs, drinking alcohol and having sex outside of marriage. The parents need to deal with this youth’s intellect as the Choleric in Inclusion youth is a serious and deep thinker.
Look for Signs of Sexual Addiction:
Frequently telling sexual jokes or making sexual comments or innuendos.
Engaging in sexual activity-especially with several partners.
Spending considerable time in activities that could lead to sexual activity, such as cruising for potential partners or spending hours online in chat rooms trying to hook up with others.
Visiting pornographic websites or looking at pornographic magazines, books, videos.
Neglecting obligations such as work, school, or family in pursuit of sexual activity.
Continuing to engage in illicit sexual behavior despite the negative consequences related with such activities.
Escalating the scope or frequency of sexual activity to achieve a desired effect, such as more frequent visits to Web sites or sex with more partners.
Frequently isolating themselves from parents and friends and not informing others of their whereabouts.
Getting angry if someone shows concerns or questions them about sex or their use of pornography.
Feeling irritable when unable to engage in some sort of sexual activity for a long period of time.
Making telephone calls with an 800 or 900 prefix.
Becoming increasingly dishonest with other people.
People who work with sex addicts say that when someone meets 3 or more of the above, that person could possibly have a problem with sexual addition.
For more information on help for troubled youth and adults and for those who minister to them. You can also go to The Missing Link Inc. at http://misslink.org
4. DISAPPROVAL FROM TEACHERS/CLASSMATES.
Encourage the parents to find out why their Choleric in Inclusion youth is having problems with teachers and classmates. Parents should encourage this youth to express their thoughts and really listen to them. The parents should not immediately give their disapproval. Usually, the Choleric in Inclusion youth tries to impress teachers and classmates; however, if they can’t, they will become angry and tend to accuse the teachers and classmates of being hard to get along with—usually never the fault of the Choleric in Inclusion youth.
This youth needs to learn that everyone is not going to give them the approval they so need or even like them. It is okay for others not to give them approval or even like them. They need to learn that God is with them and will be there to give His approval. If they can become secure in knowing they have God’s approval, they will not have to work so hard trying to get their teacher’s and/or classmates’ approval.
5. BOMB THREATS AND SCHOOL KILLINGS.
Encourage the parents to discuss disasters at school and teach the Choleric in Inclusion youth to stay prayed up, be aware of their surroundings, and not take any unnecessary chances. The Choleric in Inclusion might see the bomb threats and school killings as a personal threat to themselves and/or their friends. Then they might spend their time thinking of ways to retaliate. After all, they do not want to be controlled, and bomb threats and school killings to them mean being controlled.
6. BULLIES.
Encourage the parents to discuss bullies and harassment with their Choleric in Inclusion youth. This youth tends to want to get even. Again, giving the Choleric in Inclusion the opportunity to express their thoughts is better than letting them “think alone” about what they want to do to the people that are bullying and harassing them. Otherwise, they will tend to spend a great deal of time thinking on ways to get even; however, they probably will not follow through with their thoughts.
The Choleric in Inclusion youth needs to learn to pray for their enemies and try to live in peace with them. At first, this might not be easy, but if the parents are praying with them, it will give them the support they need and help them to know they are not doing this alone. Sometimes those that are doing the bullying and harassing have problems and have no one to talk with or ventilate.
PLEASE NOTE: These are temperament tendencies, and, as always, while you are counseling a Choleric in Inclusion youth, you must take into consideration the following: Their walk with the Lord, birth order, learned behavior and personality.