Temperament Corner May/June

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

By: Dr. Phyllis J. Arno

Phlegmatic in Affection

We’ve all heard the question: "What is love?"

As Christians, we often answer, “God is love,” and point others to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, which describes love like this:

Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, It does not boast, It is not proud. It is not rude, It is not self-seeking, It is not easily angered, It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

So what do we say then?

That’s a great question.

The answer begins with our relationship with God. When someone accepts Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, they receive God's unconditional love—because God is love (1 John 4:16).

From that point on, they simply need to tap into God’s love.

How do we do that?

We let go of our own limited, conditional love and allow God's perfect love to flow through us. When we do, our love changes—it becomes unconditional.

Deuteronomy 6:5–9 says:

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength… Teach these words to your children… Talk about them at home, on the road, when you lie down, and when you get up… Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.”

Other helpful verses include:

• Matthew 22:37-39 – Love God and love your neighbor.

• John 3:16 – God gave His Son for us out of love.

• John 13:34 – Jesus commands us to love one another.

• John 14:23-24 – Those who love Jesus will obey His words.

• 2 Corinthians 7:1 – Purify yourself out of reverence for God.

• Philippians 1:9-10 – Grow in love, knowledge, and discernment.

• 2 Timothy 1:7 – God gives us a spirit of love, not fear.

• 1 John 4:7-8 – Everyone who loves is born of God.

• 1 John 4:15-16 – Remain in love and God remains in you.

• 1 John 4:21 – If we love God, we must also love others.

What Is Unconditional Love?

The Bible teaches that God loves us unconditionally.

People may ask, “What does that really mean?”

We can explain that unconditional love:

• Has no strings attached.

• Cannot be earned.

• Is not based on behavior.

Wikipedia defines it as: “Affection without any limitations.”Webster’s Dictionary says: “Not subject to conditions.”

But we only truly understand love when we experience God’s love, because God is love, and His love is perfect and holy. However, God’s love does not ignore sin.

Proverbs 6:16-19 lists what God hates:

• A proud look

• A lying tongue

• Hands that shed innocent blood

• A heart that plots evil

• Feet quick to do wrong

• A false witness

• A person who stirs up conflict

PHLEGMATIC IN AFFECTION

Let’s look at some common traits of the Phlegmatic temperament in the area of affection:

Traits	Behaviors
Emotionally Guarded	May seem distant or hard to read
Dry Sense of Humor	Often uses humor to deflect emotions
Low Energy	Conserves emotional and physical energy
Unaffectionate	May resist physical or emotional closeness
Observer	Watches rather than participates
Responder	Rarely initiates, tries to keep peace
Stubborn	Resists change, especially when drained
Peace at All Costs	Avoids conflict even at personal expense

Phlegmatics in Affection are task-oriented, not relationship-driven. They may say things like, “Don’t touch me!” or “You’re suffocating me!” This happens when they feel their personal space is being invaded.

They often:

• Respond more than initiate in relationships.

• Form few deep bonds to conserve energy.

• Use humor to deflect emotional demands.

• Avoid expressing emotions directly, making them hard to “read.”

This temperament needs to first seek love from God by building a relationship with Jesus Christ. Once they learn to love God first, His love will flow through them and help them show love to others.

HOW CAN A PHLEGMATIC IN AFFECTION LEARN TO LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY?

1. Look to God first for love and affection.

2. Understand that God’s love is the model for us to follow.

3. Move from observer to participant in deep relationships.

4. Make intentional efforts to show love and affection.

5. Avoid being overly critical when others fall short.

6. Recognize their low energy, and find healthy ways to manage it.

7. Avoid using humor to keep people at a distance.

8. Seek balance, so they meet others’ emotional needs—not just their own.

Note to the Counselor:

When counseling a Phlegmatic in Affection, consider the influence of:

• Learned Behavior

• Birth Order

• Spiritual Walk

These factors will affect how they relate to others emotionally.