Temperament Corner March/April

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

By: Dr. Phyllis J. Arno

Melancholies in Affection

At some point, we’ve all likely been asked the profound question: “What is love?”

As Christians, we often respond by affirming that God is love, and we encourage others to reflect on the words of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV):

Love is patient,

Love is kind.  

                     It does not envy, 

                        It does not boast, 

                          It is not proud,  

                             It is not rude,

                                It is not self-seeking, 

                                  It is not easily angered,

                                    It keeps no records of wrong,

           Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

           It always protects, always trusts, always perseveres.

In response, people might say:

“But I can’t be patient. I can’t be kind, etc.”

So, what do we say to them?

That’s a great question, and the answer lies within each of us.

If you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, you have God’s unconditional love flowing through you, for God is love (1 John 4:16).

The key, then, is to “tap into His love.”

How can we tap into God’s love?

By releasing our own conditional love and allowing His unconditional love to flow freely through us.

Once we do this, our love transforms. It is no longer a conditional love, but an unconditional love—reflecting God’s very nature.

Deuteronomy 6:5-9 speaks to this command:

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.”

You may also share these additional scriptures:

• Matthew 22:37-39 – "Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.'”

• John 3:16 – "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life."

• John 13:34 – "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."

• John 14:23-24 – "...If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him."

• 2 Corinthians 7:1 – "Since we have these promises, dear friends, let us purify ourselves from everything that contaminates body and spirit, perfecting holiness out of reverence for God."

• Philippians 1:9-10 – "And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ."

• 2 Timothy 1:7 – "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind."

And most poignantly, 1 John 4:7-8 reminds us:

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love."

What Is Unconditional Love?

The Bible teaches that God’s love for us is unconditional. But what exactly does this mean?

Unconditional love is love without any strings attached. It is love that cannot be earned and is not withdrawn based on behavior. Wikipedia defines it as affection without limitations, a love that doesn’t impose conditions. It is, simply put, love that endures, irrespective of circumstances.

Webster’s Dictionary goes further, describing unconditional love as “not subject to limitations or reservations.”

However, it’s important to recognize that God’s love, though unconditional, does not equate to approval of sin. Proverbs 6:17-19 enumerates what God despises, including things like pride, lies, and violence—yet His love for us remains steadfast.

The Melancholy Temperament in Affection

Let’s take a closer look at the tendencies of the Melancholy temperament, particularly in the realm of affection:

• Tender-hearted, yet vengeful

• Faithful and loyal, but withdrawn or solitary

• Emotionally guarded, with a fear of rejection

• Self-sacrificing, but may not express this sacrifice

• Perfectionistic and critical, especially of relationships

Melancholies in affection can be deeply loving and loyal, yet their perfectionism often causes them to become critical when their relationships don’t meet their high standards. They may be emotionally reserved, fearing rejection, and thus struggle to express their feelings openly. When rejected, they may withdraw or seek affection elsewhere.

Moreover, their approach to intimacy can be more task-oriented than romantic. They might not feel comfortable with verbal expressions of affection or physical affection like hugging and kissing, preferring to express love through acts of service instead.

How Can a Melancholy Learn to Love Unconditionally?

For Melancholies to embrace unconditional love, they need to:

1. Recognize that unconditional love is the example set by God and strive to model their love after His.

2. Turn to God for love and affection first, seeking His love to fill their hearts.

3. Release their perfectionistic tendencies and be less critical of others when their expectations aren’t met.

4. Overcome their fear of rejection, particularly in intimate relationships, and avoid seeking affection outside their primary relationship.

5. Learn to express their deep love and affection, even when words feel insufficient. While Melancholies may value tangible acts over verbal expressions, it’s essential to balance both forms of affection.

6. Become aware of their loved ones' needs and express affection in ways that resonate with them—through touch, words, or quality time.

7. Share their love more openly—consider leaving little love notes or letters, or speaking affirmations to show affection and commitment.

A Note to Counselors

When counseling a Melancholy, remember to consider their learned behaviors, birth order, and spiritual journey. These factors deeply influence how they express love and navigate relationships. Approach them with understanding and patience, guiding them toward embracing the unconditional love that flows from God.