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THE IMPORTANCE OF HELPING PARENTS BECOME AWARE OF THE NEED FOR THEIR MELANCHOLY YOUTH TO GO THROUGH THE GRIEVING PROCESS OVER THE LOSS OF A SURFACE AND/OR DEEP RELATIONSHIP.
Proverbs 22:6 tells us to: “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
This includes teaching them about death and dying.
Since COVID-19 struck in 2020 all over the world, the youth and adults have been deeply affected by the deaths that have occurred, such as the loss of parents, grandparents, and friends.
Sometimes parents can become so engulfed in their grief over the death of a spouse, parent, or friend that they do not realize their children are also grieving.
Now, more than ever, we, as Christian counselors, need to help the parents become aware that when there is a death in the family or of a close friend, their youth will also be grieving.
The parents must also understand that if they have several youths, each youth will handle their grief differently, as each youth will usually have a different temperament.
Webster II defines grief as “Deep sadness as that caused by bereavement.”
The Five Steps to Grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
If the Melancholy youth does not receive help to understand and move through the grieving process, they may become stuck in the anger stage. This anger can be directed toward God, their parents, and/or others.
We will review the Inclusion, Control, and Affection areas of the Melancholy youth.
MELANCHOLY YOUTH IN INCLUSION
REVIEWING GODLY WAYS, PARENTS CAN HELP THEIR MELANCHOLY YOUTH IN INCLUSION WORK THROUGH THE GRIEVING PROCESS.
Brief description of some of the tendencies of the Melancholy Youth in Inclusion:
Low self-esteem, and, at times, can “appears arrogant,” withdrawn/loner, suicidal, perfectionist, genius-prone, distrustful, faithful/loyal friend, fears rejection, lives in their mind/moody, critical, fears economic failure, creative/artistic, thirst for knowledge/ information and understands tasks and systems.
Regarding the death of a relationship, the Melancholy youth may tend not to want to open up and talk about death; however, they will tend to dwell on it and replay everything over and over again in their mind. This will tend to cause them to spiral downward and become depressed, moody, and angry.
Since they are task-oriented, they may appear to go about their daily tasks without acknowledging the death of a friend, and others will tend to think that they were not affected by this death. This is because they do not feel comfortable sharing their feelings as they are very private and may be afraid that people will think there is something wrong with them if they share their feelings.
They tend to feel more comfortable doing tasks for the deceased’s family. They tend to feel uncomfortable going to the funeral home or memorial services as they can’t relate to the emotional aspect of people grieving, hugging, and crying. They do not know how to comfort them as they are hurting themselves.
Since the Melancholy youth in Inclusion tends not to share their thoughts, they may harbor anger towards the deceased because they do not want to lose them.
HOW CAN PARENTS HELP THE MELANCHOLY YOUTH IN INCLUSION MOVE THROUGH THE GRIEVING PROCESS?
FIRST: They need to be aware that they are grieving and that their youth will also be grieving.
SECOND: They should share with their youth that they are grieving and that grieving is okay. Grieving is a normal emotion, not a sign of weakness.
THIRD: They need to know the depth of the Melancholy youth’s grief. They can initiate a conversation and encourage them to open up and share their thoughts.
FOURTH: They also need to understand that this Melancholy youth is a deep thinker and may try to overanalyze why the person died and left them; therefore, they need to have someone to talk to for them to process their thoughts and deal with their anger.
FIFTH: They need to know they can also make an appointment with one of our temperament counselors for their youth. The temperament counselor will then generate an APS report on the youth and counsel them according to their temperament.
MELANCHOLY YOUTH IN CONTROL
REVIEWING GODLY WAYS PARENTS CAN HELP THEIR MELANCHOLY YOUTH IN CONTROL WORK THROUGH THE GRIEVING PROCESS.
Brief description of some of the tendencies of the Melancholy Youth In Control:
Task-oriented, Independent, fears the unknown, rebels against authority, rigid, inflexible, fears failure, good at making decisions in their known area, good leadership abilities in their known areas.
Regarding the death of a relationship, the Melancholy youth may tend to not want to open up and talk about this death as they want to have time to deal with their loss in their own way.
Since they tend to have the fear of the unknown, they will need time to figure out how they can adjust to getting along without them.
They may also harbor anger towards the deceased because they did not want to lose them.
They tend to feel very uncomfortable going to the funeral home or memorial services as they can’t relate with the emotional aspect of people grieving, such as hugging and crying; therefore, they tend to feel more comfortable doing tasks for the deceased’s family.
HOW CAN PARENTS HELP THE MELANCHOLY YOUTH IN CONTROL MOVE THROUGH THE GRIEVING PROCESS?
FIRST: They first need to be aware that even though they themselves are grieving, their youth will also be grieving.
SECOND: They can share with the youth that they, the parents, are also grieving and that is okay to grieve and that grieving is not a sign of weakness. Therefore, they need to share with them that it is okay to grieve; as it is a normal emotion.
THIRD: They need to be aware of the depth of the Melancholy youth’s grief. They can do this by initiating a conversation with them and encouraging them to open up and share their thoughts.
FOURTH: They need to also understand that this Melancholy youth tends to be very private, rigid and inflexible and may be angry at the deceased for dying and leaving them. In other words, the Melancholy youth tends to need time to “process” the death and learn to adjust to the unknown without this person.
FIFTH: They can also make them an appointment with one of our temperament counselors for their youth. The temperament counselor will then generate an APS report on the youth and counsel them according to their temperament.
MELANCHOLY YOUTH IN AFFECTION
REVIEWING GODLY WAYS PARENTS CAN HELP THEIR MELANCHOLY YOUTH IN AFFECTION WORK THROUGH THE GRIEVING PROCESS.
Brief description of some of the tendencies of the Melancholy Youth In Affection:
Tender hearted, can empathize, sensitive, faithful and loyal friend, self-sacrificing, capable of making deep commitments, low self-esteem, emotionally guarded, can be vengeful, sexually oriented, not very romantic.
Regarding the death of a relationship in the deep Affection area, the Melancholy youth may tend to show little emotion as they are task oriented and do not express love and affection the same as a relationship-oriented person does. They tend to feel that showing emotions is a weakness. Therefore, they do not express their emotions; they tend to keep everything bottled up inside.
Since they have deep, tender feelings for their loved ones in this area, it hurts too much to lose them. They may tend to become angry, depressed, moody and sometimes even suicidal.
If they do not receive counseling, they can grief for this person the rest of their lives.
They tend to feel more comfortable doing tasks for the deceased’s family. They tend to feel uncomfortable going to the funeral home or memorial services as they can’t relate with the emotional aspect of people grieving, hugging and crying.
HOW CAN PARENTS HELP THE MELANCHOLY YOUTH IN AFFECTION MOVE THROUGH THE GRIEVING PROCESS?
FIRST: They first need to be aware that even though they themselves are grieving,
their youth will also be grieving.
SECOND: They can share with the youth that they, the parents, are also grieving and that is okay to grieve and that grieving is not a sign of weakness. Therefore, they need to share with them that it is okay to grieve; as it is a normal emotion.
THIRD: They need to understand that this youth has deep, tender feelings, but tends not to express these feelings as they prefer doing task for their deep relationships.
FOURTH: They need to be aware of the depth of the youth’s grief and that when they lose a deep relationship, they are devasted over the loss and may mourn over this person the rest of their life. This is because they do not allow many people into this area.
FIFTH: They can also make an appointment with one of our temperament counselors for their youth. The temperament counselor will then generate an APS report on the youth and counsel them according to their temperament.
CONCLUSION
It is so important that the parents become aware of the fact that their Melancholy youth in Inclusion, Control and/or Affection will need to go through the grieving process when they lose a close friend or relative. If they are not helped through the grieving process they may get stuck in the anger stage of grief.
They may even carry this anger throughout their life and blame God for taking their friend or loved one.
SCRIPTURES FOR THE MELANCHOLY YOUTH IN INCLUSION, CONTROL, AND AFFECTION.
Psalm 31:24 “Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord.”
Psalm 71:14 “But I will hope continually, and will yet praise thee more and more.”
Jeremiah 17:7 “Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is.”
Ephesians 4:26-27 “Be ye angry and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil.”