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INTRODUCTION SPECIAL NOTES FOR COUNSELING MARRIED COUPLES THAT HAVE
“LIKE” TEMPERAMENTS IN THE INCLUSION AREA.
By: Dr. Phyllis J. Arno
As you know, “opposite” temperaments tend to attract each other because of their differences; however, we find that “like” temperaments can also tend to attract each other. And just like the “opposite” temperaments, the “like” temperaments need to learn to live with each other. The “like” temperaments need to understand their likenesses.
In this issue, we will cover a Sanguine married to a Sanguine in the Inclusion area.
In review, the Inclusion area is the need to establish and maintain a satisfactory relationship with people in the area of surface relationships, association, socialization, and their intellectual energies.
The following are some words that describe a Sanguine in Inclusion:
friendly relationship-oriented hot-tempered
outgoing optimistic upbeat
inspiring moody impulsive
like sunshine reward oriented fast-paced
SANGUINE IN INCLUSION MARRIED TO A SANGUINE IN INCLUSION
In the Inclusion area there will be no “opposites attracting” since they are both Sanguines in Inclusion. They will have to learn to work together, not against each other.
Both are relationship-oriented and have people skills in this area.
Because they both want and need constant attention, they tend to compete with each other to see who can “outtalk” or “outshine” the other.
Both will be ready to “go” at a moment’s notice. Their shoes will be at the door.
Both will have a difficult time learning how to maintain any kind of balance. When opposites attract, they can balance each other; however, two Sanguines each tend to want to be the center of attention.
Both will tend to have a “ball” going through life; however, since they tend to be irresponsible, at times, it may be hard for them to keep their home organized. This is because they will tend to feed on each other’s weaknesses. In other words, when one says, “Let’s go out,” the other will say, “Yes, we will catch up tomorrow with our work.”
BOTH PARTIES HAVE THE SAME BASIC NEEDS
1. TO CONSTANTLY INTERACT WITH PEOPLE
Both will need to be with people constantly and need to have jobs where they can interact with people. Being with people regenerates them. When they come home from work, they will both want to talk at the same time, to share what has transpired throughout their day. Since they are so eager to share what happened during their day at work, they will probably not hear what their spouse is trying to share with them.
Both will tend to want to get out of the house in the evenings, even if they have been out all day working, running errands or attending meetings. Inactivity is very stressful to them. They tend to like to go to restaurants, walk the malls, and go to the grocery store for one item--all in the hopes of being with people. They will talk with people they do not know if there are no friends around. Remember, Sanguines never meet a stranger!
When they are out eating and/or shopping, both may tend to want to “drop in” on friends just to say “hello.” They may wind up staying all evening, even if they have to get up early for work the next day. They need to learn to respect the privacy of their friends and call before dropping in on them.
Note: Some Sanguines in Inclusion may tell you that they do not want this much interaction. This would probably be due to learned behavior or because of their Control or Affection scores.
GUIDELINES FOR HELPING THIS COUPLE
They need to learn to commit to listen to each other, and they need to learn that they do not always have to be the center of attention.
They need to learn to set boundaries regarding “running here and there” and help each other maintain these boundaries.
They need to learn to work together taking care of the home, paying the bills, etc. They can make “working together” a time of enjoyment rather than dreading it because they will not be working alone; they will be working with each other. Then, after they work together, they can reward themselves. Their reward could be going to visit friends, shopping, eating dinner out, etc. They need to learn to reward themselves with something that they would both like and enjoy doing.
2. TO INVITE PEOPLE INTO THEIR HOME
Both tend to invite people into their home. It usually will not bother them that the house is a mess or that there are no clean cups or glasses.
Both tend to like their home a little “messy” because it gives them the feeling of being around people; if the house is too clean, it feels uncomfortable to them.
Both tend to want to have friends in their home, and if they have no friends in their home they will both need to have music and/or the television on at all times—even all night—just so they do not feel alone.
GUIDELINES FOR HELPING THIS COUPLE
They need to agree to work together to clean up their “messy” house before they invite people over for coffee or tea. It is very hard for some of the other temperaments to sit and drink coffee or tea out of cups that are not really clean.
They need to learn to communicate with each other so that they do not have 30-40 people over in a home or apartment that will only hold ten people; otherwise, the neighbors may be calling the police on them for disturbing the peace!
3. TO BE ACCEPTED
Both tend to have a high fear of rejection. They will tend to say and do things that they know are wrong.
Both tend to go along with the crowd in order to be accepted. One spouse could turn to drugs and alcohol, and the other would go along with them in order to be accepted because of their fear of rejection.
Both have the tendency to want to be off with friends. However, if one spouse wants to go visit some of his/her friends and the other spouse does not want to see those particular people, they may go without the spouse. This could cause both to feel rejection. One spouse might say, “You did not want to go with me,” while the other spouse might say, “You went without me!”
Both have the tendency to become depressed and moody if one spouse goes out without the other. Because they are depressed and moody and feeling rejected, they may then go out on their own--just to get even with their spouse for leaving them “home alone.”
GUIDELINES FOR HELPING THIS COUPLE
They both need to agree not to reject the other. They can take turns going to where each wants to go. Or, if he wants to go to a ball game and she is not interested, she could go out with a family member or a friend. In other words, work it out so that neither spouse feels rejected.
They both need to agree to socialize with people of like morals. If they get in with the wrong crowd, they are headed for trouble.
4. TO CONFRONT
They will tend to flare up and confront each other about “little” offenses. Since they are relationship oriented, they cannot stand to have someone upset with them. They MUST know why the other spouse is upset.
During the confrontation they can have angry outbursts which may lead to a shouting match; however, it is all over within a matter of minutes—and supposedly forgotten. But, after a time, all this confrontation can become a point of contention because of their fear of rejection.
GUIDELINES FOR HELPING THIS COUPLE
They both need to learn to confront each other in love, not in outbursts of anger.
They both need to learn to respect each other and not just take each other for granted.
5. TO LIVE FOR TODAY
Both will live for today; yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come.
This means that they do not usually plan ahead. If they are invited to go out, they will go, even if they have to wear yesterday’s clothes because they never got around to doing the laundry. Or, they may have dried the clothes but left them in the dryer, and they are all wrinkled.
Both have a tendency to spend their money on what Melancholies might call “frivolous” things. They tend to feel there will be more money tomorrow. This type of spending can put them in a financial bind.
It is not good for them to go out shopping if money is tight because they will tend to encourage each other to buy.
GUIDELINES FOR HELPING THIS COUPLE
They both need to learn to plan ahead. If they are going out Friday night, then laundry needs to be done so that they will have fresh clothes to wear. They also need to discipline themselves to do their laundry so that they have fresh, clean clothes for work.
They both need to learn to budget their finances and pay their bills on time.It costs a lot more to have the electric, gas and/or telephone reconnected. Than to pay the monthly bill.
SETTING BOUNDARIES FOR THIS COUPLE
1. Both have the need to constantly interact with people; however,
they must learn to maintain balance and learn to be responsible. If she
happens to have dinner ready, he should not just “not come home”
because he decided to go to a ball game with the guys.
2. On the other hand, if he is expecting to come home to a nice dinner,
she cannot just take off and go shopping because her friend called and
asked her to run to the mall.
3. Both have the need to be accepted and tend to want to be the center of attention,
and they may say and do things they know will hurt and/or embarrass their
spouse. Consideration of their spouse is the key!
4. If they are going to confront, both should learn to do it in love and in
consideration of their spouse. They need to ask themselves, “How would
I feel?”
5. Both, must learn that they cannot just live for today; they must plan for
tomorrow! If they both live for today, their home will be totally
disorganized. For as you well know, when tomorrow comes, it now
becomes today, and since they tend to just live for today, tomorrow will
never come for them, and many things will be left undone—because they
will do it “tomorrow.”
Maintaining self-discipline is the key!
PLEASE NOTE: These are temperament tendencies, and, as always, while you are counseling Like Sanguines in Inclusion, you must take into consideration their walk with the Lord, birth order, learned behavior, and personality.
In the next issue we will look at Counseling Married Couples with Like
Temperaments in the Inclusion area of the Supine.