Youth, Temperament, and Stress
By: Dr Phyllis J. Arno
We are continuing the series titled Youth, Temperament and Stress. In this issue we will review some of the “Stress Triggers” in the Inclusion area of the Supine youth. We will specifically cover “stress” in the home and in school.
In review, the Inclusion area is the need to establish and maintain a satisfactory relationship with people in the area of surface relationships, associations and socialization and intellectual energies.
Word Review of the Supine Youth in Inclusion
STRESS TRIGGERS – HOME
1. PARENTAL REJECTION/FEELING USED BY PARENTS
This youth needs acceptance. Parental rejection will cause them to have feelings of insecurity. They already have a low self-esteem and when their parents reject them or they perceive their parents are rejecting them, they will tend to pull away from the parents. Unfortunately, the parents do not realize that the youth is pulling away or that they have these feelings of rejection. This is because the youth has indirect behavior and when they pull away, the parents think they do not want to be included; however, on the inside they are longing to be included and screaming, “Please include me.”
These hurt feelings are actually internalized anger, and after this youth has stored up all the anger they can possibly contain, they tend to “explode.”
You need to teach the parents that they need to make this Supine in Inclusion youth feel included.
2. INABILITY TO EXPRESS THEIR THOUGHTS
This youth needs to learn to be more direct as they want their parents and friends to be able to read their mind. The Supine in Inclusion youth wants their parents and friends to know that they want to be included in conversations; they want them to know what they want to eat, where they want to go, etc. This youth wants people to be genuine. They think that if others really cared, they would know what the Supine in Inclusion youth wants; otherwise, they are doing it because the youth asked. This youth needs to learn that people cannot read their mind.
You need to teach the parents to encourage this Supine in Inclusion youth to express their feelings. In other words, the parents need to start the “ball rolling” by asking them “What would you like for dinner?” “How are things going?” “How did school go today?”
3. DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY - PARENTS - DRUGS/ALCOHOL
Encourage the parents to seek help in getting off drugs and alcohol. If it is readily available, this youth will tend to turn to drugs and alcohol because this will help them escape from their feelings of rejection. Remember:
CHILDREN HAVE NEVER BEEN GOOD AT LISTENING TO THEIR ELDERS, BUT THEY HAVE NEVER FAILED TO IMITATE THEM!
4. BLENDED OR SINGLE FAMILY - SIBLING RIVALRY
Enlighten the parents as to how there is a “pecking order” and that when families are blended, there may be two firstborns, two lastborn, so each youth will be fighting to maintain their position.
This can create problems such as rejection, anger, jealousy, resentment, etc., and can bring stress to this blended family. The parents need to be aware of the fact that Supine in Inclusion youths will have a difficult time trying to maintain their position. This is because they will feel unwanted and will pull away from everyone—just like a turtle pulls into his shell when he fears danger.
In a single parent family where one parent needs to be mother and father and cannot give the Supine in Inclusion youth quantity time, they can give them quality time. Quality time means the parent gives them their undivided attention—setting aside a time just for this youth. Since this youth is task oriented/relationship oriented, asking them to help with the chores or preparing dinner would provide the youth with the special time they need to feel accepted.
5. SEXUAL ABUSE - BABYSITTERS, SIBLINGS, RELATIVES, ETC.
Knowing this youth’s temperament is the key to knowing what questions to ask. Parents need to let this youth know that they can tell them anything and they will not reject them. Supine in Inclusion youths need to be able to talk things out, but first they need an invitation to share this heavy burden. They need to know that they will not be punished for this abuse because, in their mind, they tend to feel that they may have caused this abuse just by being on planet earth! This is because a Supine in Inclusion youth tends to feel responsible for everything that happens. In their mind, they can carry a heavy load of false guilt which reinforces to them they are worthless and have no value.
Parents also need to look for signs such as withdrawing from the family, irritability, overeating, cutting themselves, using drugs, drinking alcohol, etc.
Parents should know to whom they are entrusting their children.
Teach the parents to encourage the Supine in Inclusion youth to come to them with any and all problems they may be encountering. Supine in Inclusion youths, once included and invited to share, will open up and share their heavy burden.
6. AVAILABILITY OF ADULT MOVIES, TELEVISION AND THE INTERNET
Teach the parents to always know what the Supine in Inclusion youth is watching on television and what movies they are seeing. They also need to be aware of what the youth is doing while on the computer. For the Supine in Inclusion youth it can be an escape from reality—a place where they can get away from their feelings of inadequacy. This Supine in Inclusion youth needs boundaries. Again, they are usually willing to tell you what they are watching and what they are doing on the Internet.
Parents Need to Become Cyber Savvy!
Learn about parental controls and filtering software.
You can use search engines such as safesearchkids.com
Teach your kids to never give out their telephone number or address online.
Keep the Internet account in your name to control passwords and filtering.
Check your children’s Internet browsing history. Allow them to email and instant-message only people they know. Randomly check their emails and “buddy lists.”
If your children participate in chats, help them pick screen names that don’t reveal personal information.
Take cyber-bullying seriously. If someone posts threatening or dangerous comments about your child, report it to the police and your service provider.
House rule: No downloading without your permission. You can set permissions on smartphones to have time limits on certain apps as well as prevent any downloads from happening without a password.
Apple iPhone Parental Controls
Samsung Galaxy Parental Controls
Teach teens to use caution when posting about their friends and their plans.
Make sure your teens’ online photos don’t reveal identifying information, such as their school’s name.
Require your child to ask you before meeting an online “friend” in person. If you agree, schedule the meeting in a public place and accompany your teen.
If you have more questions about the intricacies of social media platforms, smartphones, and cybersecurity/cyberbullying please click the button below for parental guides.
Ask to see your teens’ pages on social networking sites. Go through their feed, following, and saved posts.
Have your teens use the privacy settings on social networking sites, but be aware that some information, such as their picture, nickname, age and location may still be available for all users to see.
Go through your teens’ “friends” list to make sure they know and trust those people in real life. Consider making your own profile and “friending” your teens to stay informed about what they are posting.
Create a permission on their phone to set a limit and time frame they are allowed to be on social media platforms.
STRESS TRIGGERS – SCHOOL
1. INTERACTION ALL DAY – No down time
Teach the parents that after school, this Supine in Inclusion youth needs time to “slot their thoughts” regarding the day. They need to be able to relieve their stress by sharing their day with them and telling them all the details; if they ask them to do so. They are “dying” to tell the parents, but they are usually afraid they are not interested. Remember, Supine in Inclusion youths usually know if you are sincere or not.
2. INABILITY TO SOCIALIZE—Not being included—want others to read their mind
At school, teachers and other students perceive that the Supine in Inclusion youth does not want anything to do with them, so they leave them alone. Because of the Supine in Inclusion youth’s indirect behavior, they tend to appear stuck-up and aloof. This, in turn, causes the Supine in Inclusion youth to have feelings of rejection from the teachers and students in school.
This severe rejection may affect the Supine in Inclusion youth emotionally and physically.
It affects them emotionally because they cannot handle the rejection and they are stressed because of their need for Inclusion. Then this emotional stress can affect their physical well-being. They may not want to go to school because they have this pit or knot in their stomach. They may lose their appetite and can end up with stomach ulcers, etc. They will not want to go to school because of the fear of rejection.
Parents need to work with this Supine in Inclusion youth and encourage them to be more direct. With the parent’s encouragement, they can learn to be more direct in voicing their needs. The parents need to remind them that teachers and students cannot read their mind—they need to learn to speak out.
3. AVAILABILITY OF DRUGS/ALCOHOL/SEX
Encourage the parents to watch for signs of drugs, alcohol and sex. The Supine in Inclusion youth, if they are using drugs or drinking alcohol, could become moodier and more withdrawn. Or they could become loud and boisterous. They could also become more irritable than usual and pull away from their family and friends.
The Supine in Inclusion youth may do drugs, drink alcohol and commit sexual acts as a way of escaping their feelings of rejection. They think it will make them feel better and that others will then accept them.
The parents need to teach the youth the consequences of drugs/alcohol/sex. They need to be prepared by having DVDs, CDs or movies to watch with this youth. Seeing is a good teaching tool for the Supine in Inclusion youth, because they can become easily bored with facts.
There is a lot of GOOD information on the Internet regarding this.
National Institute on Drug Abuse http://www/drugabuse.gov
Look for Signs of Sexual Addiction:
Frequently telling sexual jokes or making sexual comments or innuendos.
Engaging in sexual activity-especially with several partners.
Spending considerable time in activities that could lead to sexual activity, such as cruising for potential partners or spending hours online in chat rooms trying to hook up with others.
Visiting pornographic websites or looking at pornographic magazines, books, videos.
Neglecting obligations such as work, school, or family in pursuit of sexual activity.
Continuing to engage in illicit sexual behavior despite the negative consequences related with such activities.
Escalating the scope or frequency of sexual activity to achieve a desired effect, such as more frequent visits to Web sites or sex with more partners.
Frequently isolating themselves from parents and friends and not informing others of their whereabouts.
Getting angry if someone shows concerns or questions them about sex or their use of pornography.
Feeling irritable when unable to engage in some sort of sexual activity for a long period of time.
Making telephone calls with an 800 or 900 prefix.
Becoming increasingly dishonest with other people.
People who work with sex addicts say that when someone meets 3 or more of the above, that person could possibly have a problem with sexual addiction.
For more information on help for troubled youth and adults and for those who minister to them. You can also go to The Missing Link Inc. at http://misslink.org
4. DISAPPROVAL FROM TEACHERS/CLASSMATES
Encourage the parents to find out why their children are having problems with their teachers and classmates, especially the bullies. Parents should encourage the youth to express their thoughts, listen and not immediately give their disapproval. Remember, Supine in Inclusion youths tend to perceive disapproval from teachers and classmates because of their low self-esteem and fear of rejection.
Supine in Inclusion youths, because of their indirect behavior, send messages to everyone that they do not need anyone’s approval. They are aloof and standoffish.
Supine in Inclusion youths are prime targets for bullying because they tend not to stand up for themselves. This youth at times may even feel they deserved to be bullied—after all, they feel they are worthless and have no value.
If the parents teach them to become secure in knowing that they have their approval and God’s approval, this Supine in Inclusion youth will become secure—even if they do not have their teachers’ or classmates’ approval. By feeling secure with their parents’ and God’s approval, they will be able to be acceptant of themselves and who God created them to be and thus be able to be more direct in their behaviors.
5. BOMB THREATS AND SCHOOL KILLINGS
Encourage the parents to discuss disasters at school and teach the Supine in Inclusion youth to stay “prayed up,” be aware of their surroundings, and not take any unnecessary chances.
Encourage the parents to bring up the subject since the Supine in Inclusion youth probably will not. The Supine in Inclusion youth can become fearful and angry because no one is helping them to alleviate their fears. This can make them physically ill and emotionally unstable.
6. NEEDING TO GO ALONG WITH THE CROWD
The Supine in Inclusion youth will go along with the group or crowd or even an individual in order to be accepted. They will tend to do things they know that are wrong. If they are with three or more people, they tend to feel rejection and start pulling away from the others. They would prefer to have one close friend at a time as they can interact better one-to-one.
The parents should try to impress upon them the fact that they need to be pleasing God, not the crowd—the crowd will leave them; Jesus never will.
NOTE: Being alone is very stressful for the Supine in Inclusion youth. If they do not have an outlet for their stress, they may become moody and angry. They may try to alleviate their stress by overeating. They may also try to find a release by using drugs, sex and alcohol.
PLEASE NOTE: These are temperament tendencies, and, as always, while you are counseling Supine in Inclusion youths, you must take into consideration the following: their walk with the Lord, personality, learned behavior and birth order.
Train Them In The Way They Will Go
Children are a gift From our Lord Jesus Christ And they need all the love We can give them all their lives They also need some boundaries We set for them to grow That will keep them all safe And will teach them to know What values that we have And what’s right in the Lord To raise them Heavenward Is a task we've all been called As parents from the Lord We need to raise our young To always trust in God And to believe upon His Son To always walk with Him Until their days are through To know the plan he has And what God has called them to For we will always reap The amount that we have sowed So we must train them now In the way that they will go
By M.S. Lowndes ”Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6